There are so many things I want to tell you about you! So many things I want to remember, too. First of all, I want you to know how much I love you. More than you'll ever know, I think, until you become a mother yourself. There is no way to describe the love one has for their child - not just a mother's love, but a father's as well. You are such a delight to both of us. Nothing will ever change how much we love you, though we know there are always challenges to go with the joys. Some mothers hold the difficult aspects of motherhood against their children - the pain of labour, the sleepless nights, the worry, but I don't think I'm going to be one of them. This is the choice of parenthood. The first year is kind of like a physical year with seasons. They coincided with the time of your birth. First our beautiful fall days around when you were born quickly turned cold as the icy grip of winter came early. These were the days of joy of your arrival tinged with uncertainties, worries and healing. It is a time of "tucking in", staying close to home as we recovered and learned about each other. Spring hit in our lives far earlier than outside, though, as we got better at communicating, knowing each other and delighted more and more in our new relationship. Confidence was gained, and days began to feel more warm, the kiss of the sun and the promise of a joy-filled new life emerged. Then we enter summer, a happy time of playing, learning, growing and enjoying. Fall creeps in slowly, with beautiful days tinged with the regret of time passed, my return to work nipping like the fall chill in the evenings. However, all is not lost. I am blessed to only go back to work part time, so our days together are far from over.
It is an incredible experience to watch you grow and change. You learn new things so rapidly, it seems almost every day you're doing something new, noticing something new, reaching some new milestone. You spread the light of your baby joy all around, much to the delight of your extended family, friends, and even strangers we meet while shopping or other outings. Your smile warms the hearts of everyone around us, and I now know why the nickname "sunshine" came into being. You are like the sun, when you step outside and feel its bright warmth caress your face and that feeling of contentedness spreads throughout your body. I love the look of pride on your face when you accomplish something new. I love how you check for a reaction from us when you do something funny. I love how you show your joy when either of us walk into the room. I love your determination to learn new things, though it sure seems you're growing up too fast!
However, our lives are not perfect. There are things that made more sense to me before we had you, common parenting issues that seemed clear before I had to implement them myself. Letting you cry it out seemed perfectly reasonable to me prior to you. Makes sense, you need to learn to settle yourself, play by yourself, etcetera. I had no idea how hard this would be. I listen to your heartbroken cries, not understanding why Mommy put you in bed when you weren't done playing, why she won't come back and get you, and it kills me. You will not understand this until you are listening to your own heartbroken baby. I never understood it, either. I'm not sure who hurts more. I have not abandoned you. I never will. However, sometimes things have to be done that will make you upset or sad. Know I hurt with you, but fully believe I'm acting in your best interest. I cried with you at your first immunizations, 3 needles at a tender age of 2 months. You were so small and innocent! Why would anyone want to hurt you like that? There will be many more moments in the future when I'll have to do something that makes you sad. I don't look forward to these, but protecting you from any hurt is not good for you, and sometimes smaller hurts now protect you from bigger hurts later. Right now, you love your bath so much you have a fit every time I take you out, no matter how long I've let you play. Your frustration is obvious, and I'm sorry to make you sad, but you have to come out eventually! This one makes me laugh.
You are so beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I don't know what you're going to look like when you get older, but I hope you have a healthy view of what beauty is. I get so upset by the media, showing images of airbrushed, photoshopped women, and making girls believe this is what they are supposed to look like. How can they look like that if it's fake? True beauty is real, and you have that in spades. If only we could all see ourselves how God sees us (or even how our parents see us!), then we would know how beautiful and valuable each one of us is. You are God's precious child, and he loves you more than we do (what an incredible thought!). I pray you grow up understanding that, and go to him when life is hard, and praise him when life is good. I can only keep you nestled in my arms for so long (to be honest, you stopped cuddling a long time ago, with your go-get-em, independent nature!) but God's arms are the perfect place to be nestled in forever. He knows what's good for you so much better than me, and will take care of you, even when it seems he's far away. Draw close to him, and follow in his ways. When the time comes for me to let you fly, I want you to be flying with him. I love you, sweet girl.
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